High tech, high-end underwear. Mortgages available

Breaking news, but hopefully not wind – men’s underwear is in the throes of a technological evolution. New upstart companies like Tommy John and Mack Weldon run by “twenty somethings” have discovered that since our underwear hasn’t changed much since the 1900s, it was high time for an unwarranted upgrade accompanied of course, by a massive hike in price.

The underwear industry has finally figured what most other corporate entities have been practicing for decades – take a perfectly good and functional product, add a whole bunch of shiny and unnecessary doodads and increase the price to tenfold. (My new car came with a birthday app!!! No back-up beeper, mind you. But a birthday app!)

Actually in the case of the all-new but hardly improved butt huggers, with the cost going from $4.99 a pair to $70 a pair, make that a 1,302% increase in price. Sales of men’s underwear used to follow a simple and traditional pattern. The woman bought a pair of underwear for the man because otherwise he just wouldn’t be wearing anything down there except rashes and brush burns. The man then wore that underwear faithfully. Okay, too faithfully. Then the woman, using the kind of rubber gloves that extend up to the elbows would take the man’s underwear and burn it in the backyard. This sparked sales of new underwear and on and on it went. Classic supply side, skid-mark economics. That’s the way we liked it. It wasn’t pretty, but it’s about to be, real soon.

The all-new gentrified gotchies at $70 a pop feature moisture control, cool zones and stealth waist bands. Scary, but we men always believe that our underwear was the moisture control! We never had a need for cool zones but we did possess a healthy fear of hot zones in the back and the need for a battery-operated methane gas detector. A stealth waistband? Honestly the only improvement on underwear we men ever wanted was a waistband with a locking mechanism that provided anti-wedgie protection. (When we started putting defibrillators in libraries I thought the next logical step was to make oxygen tanks available inside locker rooms where short guys named Arnold are getting wedgied on a regular basis.)

Revolutionary improvements make these new models of bun baskets breathable, anti-microbial and anti-odour. In other words, they’re gas masks made from 100% cotton that you wrap around your ass with a stealth waistband that apparently cannot be detected by radar. (“Safe to say if the Underwear Bomber’ had had this kind of technology at his disposal, he wouldn’t be in jail today.)

Are they joking? Fork out $70 for a sterile nether-region bandanna that people walking the streets of Beijing usually throw away at the end of each day!

The Tommy John designers have even reconfigured the front flap which no man has ever actually used in the process of peeing because no man, except the Tommy John designer has actually noticed it. The front flap has now been re-developed into a “Quick Draw” fly … “for easier access.” No one so far, including myself has had the courage to ask: “For easier access to what?!?”

The question to men about their underwear use to be boxers or briefs? From now on men might be asked: “Who are you wearing down there? Armani or Louis Vuitton?”

About the only thing these guys forgot to put in this state-of-the-art underwear is a noise alarm by which any internal eruption over 50 decibels triggers a voice recording that reminds you to change the batteries in your smoke detector. A fire retardant liner wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Although he could not have foreseen today’s major advancements in men’s chonies, Rodney Dangerfield may have had an inkling when he said: “I tell ya, I get no respect. Every time I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit Of The Loom Boys laughing!” Actually, the Fruit Of The Loom Boys are balling their eyes out because if upscale undies take off, they’re out of work.

A spokesman for the start-up company is claiming immediate success in sales: “These innovative ideas have been gaining steam and exploding in recent months.” Two very unfortunate choices of words, right there.

Hard to believe, but I thought the thong and the Speedo were the worst ideas to ever adorn a pair of male cheeks. Now thanks to a couple of fashion smart asses – our junk trunks many never be the same.

No, sorry but I’m not buying into the Gucci gotchie trend. I will continue to buy my underwear at the Bargain Shop for $19.99 a four-pack and I will return for more once I am informed that those first four pairs have been used for kindling. And just because my favourite brand is ‘Jockey,’ do not think for one minute – as President Donald Trump would say – there’s anything small going on down there! My hands are so huge sometimes people on the street stop me and ask if I’m wearing baseball mitts! Plus the crowd sizes of those people who stop me on the street – massive!!!

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca.



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