Trump and Mueller – the interview of the century

Our latest column from William Thomas

Robert Mueller the special counsel assigned to investigate cooperation and collusion between Russian and Don Trump’s 2016 election campaign wants to interview the president. President Trump has been adamant about two things. First he has stated on dozens of occasions that there is “no collusion.” And as far as a face-to-face sit down with Mueller he has said: “I will” and “absolutely yes” and “looking forward to it” and “very much looking forward to it.” That’s how you know that there was a big, can-o-worms full of collusion with the Russians and he’d rather give Hillary Clinton a back rub than get within a city block of Robert Mueller.

However if these two political titans ever did meet in person, it would be The Interview Of The Century. O.J. Simpson versus Clarence Darrow. Elvis tries to fool Oprah. Peewee Herman challenges the Pope!

Trump: “Before we get started, what the hell is this?” Mueller: “A Bible.”

Trump: “Oh yeah, of course. Ah, it’s just that the one I read every night before I go to bed has a photo of God on the cover.”

Mueller: “Please state your full name and occupation.” Trump: “I refuse to answer that …” Trump’s Lawyer: “No, not now!”

Trump: “Oh, okay. Donald J. Trump. President of the United States of America.”

Mueller: “Mr. President, were you aware of any collusion between your staff and the Russians during the 2016 campaign?” Trump: “I invoke my right under The Fifth Amendment …” Trump’s Lawyer: “No! Not now!”

Trump: “Oh, okay. Then, no. No collusion.”

Mueller: “I should tell you Mr. President that over the past ten months my special counsel team has amassed a body of evidence that contradicts your denial.”

Trump: “Oh yeah, well let me tell you! That body of that so-called porn star Stormy Daniels! That’s like a false body! More infrastructure work there than a Trump hotel!” (Trump’s lawyer falls off his chair backwards)

Mueller: “So you admit to that one-night stand with Ms. Daniels?” Trump: “No. I couldn’t have been with her that night in Lake Tahoe because … because I was with Karen McDougal, the Playboy Bunny that night in New York!”

Trump’s Lawyer: (struggling to get to his feet) “I move to adjourn.”

Mueller: “I feel very badly for your wife.” Trump: “Are you kidding?!? That gold digger got $20 million in the divorce settlement.”

Mueller: “No, I mean your other wife.” Trump: “Oh, Marla. She only got two million.”

Mueller: “No, I meant …” Trump: “Oh, the model. Well more than two and less than twenty … fingers crossed.”

Mueller: “Mr. President, what is your relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin?”

Trump: “You mean the money laundering deals we did or the sex tape he’s got on me?” Trump’s Lawyer: (from under the table yelling) “Now! Now The Fifth!”

Trump: “Okay, I’m not supposed to answer questions about the Deutsche Bank money laundering and I invoke the Fifth Amendment right on that golden shower video.”

Mueller: “Mr. President, we have found a connection between the Russians and your son-in-law Jared Kushner.” Trump: “He’s a great guy. A great husband and father. He does great work.”

Mueller: “But Mr. President, Jared Kushner’s statements in Russian matters implicates you, as the master mind …” Trump: “Jared Kushner is a lying, conniving SOB! He’s fired! He’s history! I’ll get custody of those kids!” (Trump’s lawyer shatters a glass of water with his fist)

Mueller: “Now when your son, Donald Trump Jr. organized that meeting of Russians at Trump Tower, did he inform you about the meeting and what transpired?”

Trump: “Oh no, absolutely not. He told me it was a Boy Scout meeting that dealt mostly with knot tying and such.” Mueller: “And you believed him?” Trump: “Well, he was wearing his Boy Scout uniform at the time, so yeah.”

Mueller: “Where would you say Donald Jr. ranks in the White House order?” Trump: “He’s a tenderfoot.” Mueller: “Thirty-five years in the Boy Scouts and he’s still a tenderfoot?” Trump: “Let me tell you, Donald Trump Jr. is no Donald Trump Sr. if you know what I mean. I’m always the smartest guy in the room, even this room!”

Trump’s Lawyer: (waving a bloody hand from under the table) “Call in an air strike!”

Mueller: “Mr. President, you’re under arrest.” Trump: “For what!?!”

Mueller: “In our research here at Special Counsel Headquarters we found a little known statute still on the books and …” Trump: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Mueller: “Sorry Mr. President, but here in the District of Columbia stupidity is in fact against the law. Case closed.” (A security guard places a white sheet over Trump’s lawyer.)

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca.

 


 

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