Americans ask the damndest questions!

Our latest column from William Thomas

Pack Up +Go, a Pittsburgh-based travel agency is thriving. They have sent 16,000 Americans on 8000 trips to 90 destinations since it’s inception just three years ago. Their secret? Surprise! Until the day of departure, their clients have no idea where they’re going. You open the “No Peeking” ticket and itinerary package when you wake up on the day you leave for the airport or train station. Cool, huh?

Yeah, so Pack Up +Go is cashing in on the long-standing tradition of American travelers not having a freakin’ clue as to where they’re going or why they’re there.

Here then are actual American tourist questions compiled by travel agents and information centers with the answers provided by me, a wannabe travel consultant who after the first day on the job would likely apply for a permit for a stun gun.

To say the least, Great Britain is not too impressed by Americans who come to Merry Ol’England.

“Why did they build Windsor Castle so close to Heathrow Airport?” So that Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex can make a quick getaway whenever her American relatives come to visit.

“I would like to go somewhere where there are not a lot of men.” Well, the Women’s Prison at Holloway is beautiful at this time of year.

“Why did they build so many broken-down castles?” So they could be used as film locations when they shot The Game of Thrones.

“Who’s performing at the Piccadilly Circus?” Why Piccadilly, silly.

Summing things up, perhaps the spokesperson for the American Society of Travel Agents said it best: “If you have to ask if they speak English in England, you’re probably better off just staying home.”

And closer to home, Canadian’s have never been overwhelmed by the American’s grasp on geography or even history.

“Why did you attack us in the War of 1812?” Initially, we crossed over to get a tank of gas and some cheap beer and it just escalated from there.

When a visit to the Canadian War Museum in Ottawa was suggested, another American in the game group blurted out: “Canada was in a war!” Well, it wasn’t much of a war but in 1995 after we caught Spanish fishermen illegally catching turbot off our Grand Banks, the Cape Roger fired three cannon shots across the bow of the Spanish Estia. Although it was over in a matter of minutes, 78 Canadian seamen were awarded the Cross of Valour and two puffins died.

“Did the US Continental Army really secure the airports in their 1775 War of Independence against England?” (Sorry, that’s my question to President Donald Trump who made that claim in

his July 4th “Salute to America.” Answer: yes! A full 128 years before the flight of the Wright Brothers!

“How do the deer know when to cross?” Ah, the Deer Crossing signs. Well, we tried to train them to look both ways and all that but deer are pretty stupid. But once we trained wolves to sit by the signs, that problem kinda took care of itself.

“Can I buy a toonie from you for $10 American?” Yes, absolutely. Today’s special is two toonies for $25 and I won’t charge you for the difference on the dollar.

“Do you have the 4th of July up here?”. No, we go straight from July 3rd to July 5th. Just like the number “13” is unlucky in your country, number “3” is a real curse up here. No Canadian buildings are allowed to have a third floor.”

“What time do you turn the Northern Lights on?” Well, they used to be on a timer so the lights came on automatically when it got dark. Then the Russians hacked our system so now they not only come on in the morning, they sometimes appear in the south.

“How did they get Lake Louise to turn blue?” We artificially forced the aquifer below it to hold it’s breath for a really long time.

“Where can I buy some totem pole seeds?” Almost all the woodworking shops sell them. But you’ll need tons of Miracle-Gro.

“You’re a Canadian? How come you aren’t speaking French?” You’re an American? How come you aren’t speaking English?

“In Nova Scotia where do you all live in the winter?” Summerside, Prince Edward Island.

“Texas is bigger than Canada, right?” Damn straight! Hell Texas is bigger than all of the American states put together! Canada is about the size of Rhode Island but we have more lakes.

“In what river do the smoked salmon run?” It’s the Smoky Mountain River where the maple sugar bushes grow along the shoreline.

“Do y’all have pizza in Canada?” Yes, but up here we call it ‘poutine.’

And finally an actual question!!! “So, how do you guys keep your teeth? I’ve heard the cold snaps them off.” You’re talking about two different things. In Canada, cold snaps are caused by Arctic air. Broken teeth are caused by hockey.

And for comments, ideas and copies

The Legend of Zippy Chippy go to www.williamthomas.ca