America’s medical meltdown- the wrong doctors are on TV

Our latest column from William Thomas

As COVID-19 rages across the United States, watching doctors on American TV trying to explain it away would make Marcus Welby puke! The three biggest contributors to America’s medical mess of misinformation are unqualified charlatans with great TV ratings. Although the host of “The Doctor Oz Show,” Mehmat Oz does not have a medical degree, he does believe in ‘alternative medicine’ which is like a parachutist relying on a ‘virtual ripcord.’ A recent medical study revealed only 46% of Dr. Oz’s on-air claims are accurate. Warning: do not clean your teeth with lemons, it will eventually destroy them and currently, there are no foods on the market that cure cancer. Pushing to open up America’s schools, Oz says: “It may only cost us 2 to 3 percent in terms of total mortality.” In other words, a lot of kids would contract the virus, proportionally not that many would die and those who did die would not have a big impact on the bottom line.

Dr. Phil who is not a real doctor but a popular TV Frankenstein figure created by a mischievous Oprah Winfrey offers another unique take on the pandemic. Unqualified to practise psychology in the United States, Dr. Phil cited the annual death toll of 45,000 Americans by car accident, 480,000 from smoking and 360,000 by drowning in swimming pools and concluded: “But we don’t shut the country down for that.” That’s correct but car fatalities, cancer and drowning are not spread by coughing and sneezing.

Then there’s the exponential factor. If American intensive-care expert Hugh Montgomery is correct, one COVID positive person, in a snowball effect, could infect 59,000 others. So pretty soon, Dr. Phil, all Americans are either dead or incapacitated and you’ll have to bring in 300,000 immigrants to keep the country running and President Trump is not going to like that one bit.

And then there’s Dr. Stable Genius himself who’s history with real doctors includes bribing a New York podiatrist to falsely diagnose him with bone spurs so he could dodge the Vietnam War and later getting his personal White House physician to swear he weighs 249 lbs. Dr. Trump hosts semi-regular COVID-19 White House briefings at which he champions cures that are false and potentially fatal. Along with his snake oil solutions to the pandemic like drinking bleach and shooting ultraviolet light inside the body-Trump claims testing is the problem. “If we stopped testing, we’d have fewer cases.” Which is statistically true. I mean if the police did away with the roadside breathalyzer, there would be a lot less impaired drivers on record. The bodies would keep piling up of course but the statistics would look more favorable.

Flipping the page from fiction to nonfiction, Dr. Anthony Fauci is a real doctor and one of the most respected immunologists in the world. He used to attend Trump’s COVID-19 briefings but he’s been put in quarantine after publicly exhibiting symptoms of telling the truth. Fauci was careful not to contradict Trump directly because he’d like to continue living in the United States and there’s no technical term at the National Institution of Infectious Diseases for…fruitcake!

Out of the limelight but not the crosshairs, Dr. Fauci now travels with a security contingent because he and his family are receiving death threats from Trump supporters. Despite the best efforts of the White House to discredit the truth sayer, he’s the only medical authority most Americans still trust. Sadly he’s no longer on TV.

Always on the hunt for someone with a medical degree to support his cockamamie theories and what with Dr. Strangelove unavailable, Trump has glommed on to Dr. Stella Immanuel. Last week the president had nothing but praise for the physician from Houston saying she is: “very impressive” and “an important voice.”

Besides supporting Trump’s false claims for a COVID cure and the uselessness of masks, the fire and brimstone physician/preacher believes in astral rape, demon sperm and reptilians who are running the US government. (Trump somehow did not take personal offence to that claim.) Dr. Immanuel believes gynecological problems are caused by women having sex with demons and witches in their dreams and that the vaccine is being designed to prevent people from becoming religious. As I write this her popularity is rocketing among tens of millions of viewers on the right-wing internet.

So far Dr. Immanuel has not blamed the pandemic on E.T. or questioned Snow White’s virginity. So far she has not identified Sneezy as a symptom spreader but she has warned that if Sleepy dozes off at one more White House medical briefing, Jesus will smite him on the spot. Added Dopey: “Very impressive. An important voice.”

If Dr Immauel is willing to swear that the pandemic is about to disappear and more importantly, the president weighs only 249 lbs, she’ll be the next Chief Medical Officer of the United States.

So with Dr. Fauci, a trustworthy, world-renowned expert of infectious disease trying to save America with sound science and enduring death threats for his efforts and Dr. Stella Immanuel, a physician who believes some of America’s medical problems stem from horny aliens–what are the chances of the United States wrestling the COVID pandemic into submission any time soon?

That being said, here in Canada, if you’re one of those people who still believe COVID-19 is a hoax and you’re unwilling to wear a mask but you wake up coughing, breathing hard and feverish – do the rest of us a favor – get on the drug hydroxychloroquine. I hear good things.

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