Exactly how fat was that cat

Our latest column from William Thomas

As they say, a photo’s worth a thousand pounds.

I can’t get that picture in the newspaper out of my head. It was a cat snapshot that circled the world of media. Caption: “Fat Feline A Goliath Of Girth.”

In it, one Tiffany Noreuil of the Oregon Humane Society is cradling in her arms, what appears to be a bear cub impersonating a domestic cat. Officers of the humane society in Portland picked up the stray bruiser and yes, thank goodness they work in pairs.

I suppose the most striking thing about this photo is the cat outweighed Tiffany, the woman holding him up for the photographer who, by the way, had to use a lens so wide of angle, it had to be brought through the doorway sideways.

Staff at Portland Humane Society nicknamed the five-year-old fatty, Goliath, and then promptly neutered him. Not happy about being caught, the unkind cut was a double-blow to his ego which, by the way, was also overweight. As it turns out, Goliath, the cat with four chins, was a career criminal as well. A woman by the name of Jadwiga Drozdek, caught Goliath trying to escape from her home after he snuck in and plundered her dog’s food dish.

Actually, Jadwiga did not catch Goliath, the dog-door did. He got stuck in it while trying to escape from the house. Exactly how fat does a cat have to be to first eat a whole bowl of dog kibble and then get his arse trapped in a dog door while fleeing the scene of the crime? Twenty pounds, two ounces according to the scales which Tiffany discovered can actually groan.

In absence of the now famous photo – which , by the way, can be viewed on YouTube and a host of other websites that gave Goliath his 15 minutes of fame – I’ll do my best to describe it to you. Goliath is so huge that when the veterinarian made the first incision during his operation, a can of Chunky Tuna Surprise popped out.

Goliath’s head is actually the size of a normal cat, if you consider the ones who perform with Seigfried and Roy. Even his rear end can be seen from the Space Station.

Large? When this cat sits on the window sill in the afternoon, the automatic night lights come on inside the house. Fat? This cat is so overweight his milk bowl comes with a lifeguard.

How big is this ten kilo tabby? He’s so big that when somebody’s cell phone goes off nearby, people think it’s the cat’s backing-up beeper.

I could go on and on. So I will. This cat is so fat he has to rock back and forth in order to get up in the morning. The cat is so fat, the collar with his name tag on it is actually a man’s leather belt.

This 5-year-old Tubby Tabby is so large, even his stripes have stretch marks.

Appetite? This cat eats so much, his food dish doubles as a kiddie pool in the summer.

Heavy? When they put Goliath on the scales at the humane society, the digital window lit up and flashed, “One At A Time!” “Get Off Me!”

You would think that having been caught pilfering dog food and then getting your bum stuck in the same dog’s door would be monumentally embarrassing. But in the photo, Goliath looks . . . how can I put this? . . . Well, hungry. Glaring at the photographer, Goliath’s got that look on his face that says, “I wonder if he’ll put up much of a fight?”

And Goliath’s biggest problem may lie ahead of him. What the fine people at Portland’s Humane Society forgot was, that after an animal is neutered, they tend to gain some weight. If this cat gets any fatter, he’s going to need whisker extensions to safely navigate through a garage door.

Recent statistics compiled by veterinarians, reveal that of the six million cats in the United States, 40 percent are obese. Now, with the accidental capture of Goliath, those same pet doctors are re-examining their research numbers. They now believe only a hundred cats in America are obese … and Goliath accounted for the rest.

The Center for Veterinary Medicine in the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved an obesity pill for dogs, with another one for cats on the way. The drug apparently reduces the absorption of fat, while curbing appetite.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Goliath will be the poster boy for their feline anti-obesity campaign. My concern is that it’s made by the same people who invented Viagra. Think about it. If that 20-pounder will break into your house to eat your dog’s food because he’s hungry, what is he likely to do if he’s hungry and horny?!?

“Hide the dog, Jadwiga! Here comes Fatso again and he’s got this really stupid grin on his face.”

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca.



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