Explaining legal marijuana to the little ones

Our latest column from William Thomas

Just when parents thought “the birds and the bees” talk with the kids was behind them, up pops the next talk about “the buds and the buzz”! With the October 17 legalization of cannabis around the corner, parents are agonizing over how to approach this issue with the children. Yes, it’s high time to have a heart-to-heart with the little ones.

First of all, parents will need a subtle lead into the talk. “Oh don’t throw those tweezers away, Honey. Mommy and Daddy can use them for a roach clip.”

Maybe the talk starts like this ….”Ah, Sweetie, sometimes adults do really silly things and well, this one’s a real doozie! And just think, in a few years when you turn 19, you too can make this same stupid mistake and live to giggle about it later.”

Or like this …”Honey, remember how your dad and I taught you that alcohol was the root of all evil and if we ever caught you drinking we would disown you? Yeah, well guess what? Alcohol just got an evil twin!”

Or … “Sweetie, Mommy and Daddy are having some friends over Saturday night and there will be smoking before dinner.”
“I thought smoking was bad.”
“Well smoking tobacco is bad but smoking weed is .. is… Bob! Your daughter has a question for you.”

Maybe for the younger children we could deliver the ‘don’t do weed’ message in the form of a poem. I suggest this only because at Charlotte’s Legendary Lobster Pound in Southwest Harbor, Maine, Charlotte is proposing to load her lobsters up with marijuana. Maine legalized marijuana last year and with people in that State attempting to spark up a joint with a lobster, well maybe that’s a lesson for us all in Canada to rescind the new law the before it takes effect.

Charlotte Gill wants her lobsters high on weed so that they have a painless, stress-free plunge into that final pot of boiling water. Experts are not even sure lobsters do feel pain, or can even get high for that matter. Needless to say, people in the United States on death row are watching the experiment with great interest.

So maybe we could entertain the little ones with something like this:

Pot in the lobster or lobster in the pot,
A blissed-out entrée, is still all you’ve got.
Even if you boil him, the lobster will be fried.
But at least he got a buzz on, before he up and died.
Don’t do drugs, Jimmy. And don’t smoke pot.
Unless you want a star in your own mug shot!

Moving up the age ladder, for the mid-teens we could show a video of Ozzie Osbourne walking like he’s fighting weightlessness and repeating his mantra “Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.” Yeah, that’ll even sober up the adults on the room.

For the older teens we could re-introduce that TV ad showing an egg with the message: “This is your brain”. Then the egg gets smashed by a frying pan with the message: “This is your brain on drugs!” And then we could have the egg hatching into a parrot in the frying pan with the message: “And this is your brain on Jimmy Buffett’s signature Coral Reefer cannabis!” All together now: “Wasted away in Marijuanaville, searchin’ for my long lost tweezers.”

The experts are advising parents to be prepared to answer specific questions about marijuana from their children.

“Why did the government legalize marijuana, Mommy?”
“It’s a cash cow, Honey. Governments make so much money from the sale of alcohol and tobacco, marijuana was the next logical, profitable sin.”
“What’s next?”
“Probably sex.”
“What’s sex?”
“Bob! Birds and bees talk! Repeat! Repeat!”

Other questions are likely to surface as well.

“Mommy, how come Sparky is puking in the corner again?”
“Because your father keeps forgetting to put his weed away after he passes out on the couch!”

And … “Daddy. What’s the difference between medical marijuana and recreational marijuana?”
“About three bucks and ounce.”

“And what will Canada look like after October 17th, Daddy?”
“Wayne’s World. Now do your homework!”

“Daddy. If marijuana is a natural plant, how can it be harmful?”
“Well, blue agave is a natural plant in Mexico and they make tequila from it. I thought it was pretty harmless until the morning after when Mommy showed me a photo of me eating the worm from the bottom of the bottle with a bone through my nose.”

But, Daddy, you said you smoked weed in high school. So how come I can’t?”
“Yes, I did smoke weed in high school is why I was 24 years old when I graduated.”

And finally …

“Mommy, why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?”
“Bob! How many times do I have to tell you to hide that damn weed box!?!”

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca



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