The new ice age cometh. How cold was that snap?

Our latest column from William Thomas

It was the most bitter blast of freezing cold both in memory and in some record books. In New York City, snow, ice and high winds closed schools, subways, ferries and left furious passengers stranded on planes at JFK Airport for up to 20 hours. Pipes burst from New Jersey to North Carolina and iguanas, stunned by the cold were falling out of trees in Florida. It snowed in The Panhandle. Colder than the ‘Polar Vortex’ of 2014 and worse than the ‘Snowmageddon’ of 2001, meteorologists named this deep freeze the ‘Bomb Cyclone.’

Exactly how cold was the new year’s snap of 2018? Mind-boggling wind chill numbers of -20C, -30C and -40C in parts of Canada were actually colder than … are you ready for this? … Hell, Norway at -1C, the Amundsen-Scott Weather Station in Antarctica at -16C and (not making this up) the Gale Crater on the planet Mars at -23C.

The -30 temperatures were almost identified to those of fifteen years ago when a bridge collapsed over the Montreal River prompting Mayor Lefebure of Latchford to say: “Winters up here are so cold they can freeze the nuts off a bridge.” Brass monkeys aside, that’s cold. Minus every degree imaginable and doubled by the wind, this winter has been like living in a deep, dark Antarctic well which also doubles as Ontario PC leader Patrick Brown’s political future.

  • It was so cold the news anchor on the Weather Channel was reporting record cold fronts … and backs!
  • It was so cold in Ottawa, that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said: “To hell with the ethics, I’m going on vacation in the Bahamas with the Aga Khan again!”
  • It was so cold in Nashville, Tennessee, Miley Cyrus got her tongue stuck to a pump handle and she was in Memphis when it happened.
  • It was so cold in Cobourg, Ontario the owners of the local Tim Hortons started letting their employees pee inside.
  • There was so much snow in Buffalo, those seven Bills fans trapped in a minivan in a ditch for ten hours were saved only by a collective blood alcohol level of 2.8.
  • It was so cold right across this country, teenagers began wearing winter clothing.
  • It was so cold along the north shore of Lake Erie, wildlife volunteers were de-icing Canadian geese.
  • It was so cold in Smith Falls, Ontario, the new Museum of Ice Sculptures turned out to be just a house where somebody left the back door open.
  • It was so cold in Port Colborne, the chef at the Tie Pink Chinese restaurant found a chicken still attached to the frozen chicken balls.
  • It was so cold in Niagara Falls, a guy trying to jump to his death failed, but qualified for the Men’s Single Luge at the PyeongChang Olympics.
  • It was so cold in Anchorage, Alaska, participants in the Iditarod Trail Sled Race had to plug their dogs in overnight.
  • It was so cold at the Rex Hotel in Welland that Robbie Misener broke an thirteen-year attendance record when he phoned in sick.
  • It was so cold in Vegas, Celine Dion’s twins were reminiscing about the good old days when they were living in a nice warm petri dish.
  • It was so cold at the Belmont in Port Colborne, the boys at the bar were drinking their beer at room temperature with toasters shoved down their pants.
  • It was so cold in Toronto, Maple Leaf phenom Auston Matthews faked an injury just so he could be a bench warmer for the night.
  • It was so cold across Canada in general, 35% of people surveyed said if it gets any worse, they would force themselves to warm up to Kevin O’Leary.
  • It was so cold in Newfoundland, hunters were gluing baby seals together and wearing them as earmuffs.
  • It was so cold in Saskatchewan that … hey who are we kidding? It’s always cold in Saskatchewan.
  • It was so cold even the normally pious people at the Brethren In Christ Church over on Highway #3 were getting a little chippy. I drove by the church yesterday and the sign out front read (not making this one up) “If you’re praying for a blizzard, go to the Dairy Queen!” Yes, it was cold as hell and I mean the hell in the Old Testament, not the one in Norway.
  • And finally, it was so cold in Washington, D.C. that President Donald Trump’s s—thole froze over and he had to go next door to the offices of the National Association For The Advancement of Colored People and ask to use the bathroom. They turned him away at the door, later releasing a statement that read: “He’s just so full of it anyway, what’s a little more?”

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca.

 


 

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