New Year’s Resolutions-2020 Not Mine,Yours

Our latest column from William Thomas

In the upcoming year, 2020, I hereby resolve to become vegetarian, double the distance of my daily walk, watch and listen to fewer news programs and above all quit lying about quitting meat, doing more exercise and messing with a perfectly benign addition. No, these New Year’s resolutions are not about me, they’re about you if you happen to be…

Jamie Bisceglia of Tacoma Narrows, Washington. Jamie, thinking she could win a photo contest at last year’s local fishing derby grabbed a live octopus and pushed it into her own face. A friend snapped a bunch of pictures of Jamie smiling through the octopus which began suction-cupping its tentacles into the flesh of her face. Then the octopus bit her. Twice. Jamie, like many people, did not know that an octopus is a venomous mollusk and secretes poison when it bites. Suffice to say Jamie is still on three antibiotics a day and lucky to be alive. Jamie, please resolve to have round-the-clock adult supervision for the next twelve months so that on your next walk to the drug store you’re not tempted to shove a friendly neighbourhood cat down your pants.

The Peel Region woman who dialed 911 and asked the police to give her an “emergency ride service” to Union Station to catch her 9:45am train because her Uber ride did not show up. Unnamed so let’s go with Via DeRail– please resolve to call taxis in 2020 instead of cops, otherwise, you will get that emergency ride, cuffed in the back of a cruiser.

The teenager videotaped on an Oakville overpass throwing “Right Lane Exits” signs onto the QEW below. Kid, please resolve to make amends even before a court hears your case. Get back out there on the overpass and toss a bunch of “Left Lane Exits” signs off the other side!

All the 88 nudists who escaped the fire at Flamborough’s Ponderosa Nature Resort last year. Would you “junksters” please promise not to be embarrassed should this tragedy ever strike again. Unlike say the residents of Sault Ste. Marie, Canada’s second-horniest city, you people had every right to be running through the neighbourhood and banging on doors… naked.

Billy and Beatrice Cox, the couple who paid $120,000 US for Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan’s “Banana Duct-Taped To A Wall.” Please resolve to take similar small amounts of your vast Dow Jones fortune and throw it off tall buildings in large cities where people on the streets below can use it to buy drugs and alcohol. That way it will be put to better use.

The 20-year-old Bampton dog thief who limped his way into infamy in 2019. After meeting publicly with the seller of Tarzan, a bulldog puppy, he suddenly snatched the dog and made a run for it. Still holding the gun he had pointed at the dog’s owner, he accidentally shot himself in the leg and crumpled to the ground. (This story could only be better if the dog thief had shot himself in the ass and later in the hospital, the doctor operated on his brain.) Boys–both seller and thief– when the smartest guy at the meeting is a nine-year-old puppy with wrinkles, please resolve in the new year to limit your transactions to those that involve playing cards and roach clips.

Kristian Lee Baxter, of Nanaimo, BC went to Syria to “seek adventure” and found it. Kristian spent seven months sleeping on the cement floor of a prison after he was arrested by Syrian forces for “security reasons.” The Canadian travel ban against going to war-torn Syria had been in place for seven years when Kristian entered the mostly bombed-out, bullet-ridden shell of a country on a tourist visa. Head still on his shoulders and with no ransom paid, Kristian was

freed and returned to Canada thanks to Lebanese diplomats. Kristian, please resolve that as the violence and bloodshed increases in the street war in Hong Kong, you won’t go there on holiday. Try Yemen where at least it’s warm this time of year.

And to all you thrill-seeking enthusiasts out there, keen to swim across a channel, walk across a desert and climb another mountain, please resolve to heed the advice from the best quote of 2019. “Think about it. Every single corpse on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends. It could save your life one day.”

And my favorite New Year’s resolution is on behalf of those US Navy cadets who were in the stands for the annual Army-Navy football game last month. A camera caught a few of them making what appeared to be a circular hand gesture that serves as a secret code among white supremacists. With President Don Trump attending the game, the press suspected the cadets were giving him the knowing nod of ‘nationalism.’ After a lengthy investigation, it was concluded that the boys were just playing “the circle game” in which you make an okay-like circle with your finger and then you get to punch the guy who spots it, really hard in the arm. Man, what a relief–the new crop of Navy Cadets are not racist, they’re just kinda dumb. Now boys, resolve to drop “the circle game” in favour of public noogies and locker room wedgies, graduate into the elite Navy Seals, kill innocent people and then have President Trump pardon you.

Wow! 2019! I hereby resolve to take more naps. To buy a book or invite humorist William Thomas to be your guest speaker, go to www.williamthomas.ca or email williamjthomas@gmail.com

 

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