No, I am not obsessed with ‘the weird.’ Am not.

Our latest column from William Thomas

Because this column you’re reading is topically labelled “All The World’s A Circus” by some newspapers and “From The Land Of The Loony” by others – people jump to the conclusion that I’m obsessed with ‘the weird.’

Not so. It’s really a matter of statistics. Considering that the total population of North America is 357 million and one or even two out of ten people act in a way that is deemed to be beyond normal behaviour … “We interrupt this column with late breaking news of a Florida man now living in Bali, in serious condition after falling off a roof while chasing a monkey that had stolen his favourite Pittsburgh Steelers cap.”

Sorry, so yeah the vast majority of news stories that catch my interest are normal, everyday … “This just in … A Seattle man who fashioned a homemade blowtorch out of a can of aerosol spray and a BBQ lighter in order to kill a spider is homeless today. The resulting fire which did indeed kill the spider also burned down most of the suburban Arbor Heights house.” Said a spokesman for the Seattle Fire Department: “Fire is not the method to use to kill a spider. Many people would have used a broom or a shoe.”

So as I was saying, let’s say you have ten people and nine are so absolutely conventional that they risk being described as boring and … “On Christmas Eve Day of 2017, 40,000 viewers watched video designer Jeff Kaplan sit in front of a roaring fire.” That’s it. No spider, no hot dog on a stick, no nothing. As Kaplan sat silently and motionless for ten hours, most of his audience of 40,000 were glued to their TV sets for an average of three hours each.

Granted, sometimes a lot of weird people will converge on the same odd event all at once so that … “On August 21st, 215 million Americans from all parts of the country gathered at the same moment to witness a total eclipse of the sun, including people in 14 states where it wasn’t visible.”

Well, alright, sometimes it’s the biggest and other times it’s the smallest thing … “A police scanner in Brockton, Massachusetts has revealed an armed robbery at a local convenience store where two men demanded and got away with … one dollar.” And no, they did not ask for change in order to make a 50/50 split of the loot.

So in the grand scheme of things, normalcy rules in almost every case where … “Medical history has been made by doctors in Massachusetts who removed an actively-growing 1.5 centimeter pea plant from the lung of 75-year-old Ron Sveden.” Said the patient, “One of the first meals I had in the hospital after the surgery had peas for the vegetable. I laughed to myself and ate them.”

So normal is as normal … “We cut to a commercial break for Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s online, lifestyle website in which she is urging her followers to give themselves a do-it-yourself coffee enema in order to “supercharge your detox.” To me, there’s something wasteful about ingesting a

tasty double/double at the exit end of the dietary tract. No matter who’s right, the Drive-Thru at Tim Horton’s is the wrong place to test Paltrow’s theory.

Fortunately the really weird stuff happens in America where … Whoops! “An urgent warning from police in Barrie, Ontario about people buying gold bars on Kijiji that are fake.” These metal bars with gold veneer are valued at $2.00 and being sold for $1,200 on the online classified ad service. Please tell me – who buys gold bars on Kijiji and how soon can we get them into a card game?

So … “We interrupt this column with an ad for the all-new Lincoln MKX in which actor Matthew McConaughey moves his mouth but doesn’t say anything, settles into the backseat for a nap and says: “You might just never stand there, lookin’ at it.” The ad ends as he lets loose a demonic laugh. Oh yeah … I want to buy that car … with a trailer hitch for my spaceship.

So I suppose it all comes down to your definition of ‘normal.’ Like … “The State of Alabama today is quite proud of the fact that contrary to the polls, it did not elect alleged child molester Roy Moore to the U.S Senate despite the rousing endorsement of President Donald Trump.” Moore lost by a 1.6 point margin. So that pride thing? Not enough to warrant a parade.

In conclusion, I must say I am not so much obsessed with oddity as I am desperate for world salvation. Case in point, former U.S. Navy pilot, Commander David Fravor has just gone public with his encounter with an Unidentified Flying Object off the coast of San Diego in 2004. With 18 years of experience and a sterling record to boot, Fravor described the spaceship as being 40-feet long with no wings and shaped like a Tic Tac. After toying with Fravor’s military jet, it up and disappeared in two seconds. “Faster than anything I’d ever seen in my life.”

His firsthand, eye-witnessed and video-taped encounter with an airship from another planet is irrefutable. I’m completely convinced they’re out there. To visit us while we’re still trying to discover water on Mars, they would have to be smarter and significantly more advanced than us. One word to the UFO people, HELP! Earth in need of adult supervision before self-destructing.

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