Sports-a really bad metaphor for life

Our latest column from William Thomas

You know what’s wrong with sports today? Underwater hockey. And chess boxing, really bad officiating, drug cheaters, too many games, tickets that cost the same as your first car, violence, concussions, a new baseball rule in which a batter can steal first base, the salary cap, greedy agents, meddling NHL parents, the uniforms of the Vegas Golden Knights, crotch scratching, serial horking, the price of a cup of beer and human-being impersonator Richie Incognito?

And as far as new sports go, I’m definitely against the Baby Olympics in which children between two and four years of age compete in gymnastics, basketball, football and wait-for-it…weightlifting. But I’m all for lifting the weight you married and running through an obstacle course with that bride draped awkwardly over your shoulders. In Finland’s Wife Carrying Championship’s, the winners earn their weight in cheese and the losers go home in separate schlumbergers, not puhuminening to each other.

Car curling is apparently quite popular except with insurance agents while in Beer Pong, a ping pong drinking game, many matches are postponed due to too much vomit on the table. Haggis Hurling and the Hairiest Back Championships actually draw crowds.

But you know what’s really rotten in sports today? The US Women’s National Soccer Team! I have never seen a more talented team of athletes behave like such a bunch of knuckle-dragging boors at the recent FIFA World Cup in France. Philadelphia’s ‘Broad Street Bullies’ come to mind but even those vulgarians stopped short of insulting the Queen of England.

First the US unmercifully ran up the score against first-time qualifier Thailand to a humiliating 13 to 0 defeat. But all the while they lavishly celebrated each and every goal–dancing, sliding, splashing, fist-pumping–it was so over-the-top, normally stoic commentator Kaylyn Kyle said: “I’m disgusted. There are kids watching this.”

After scoring a big goal against England, Alex Morgan celebrated by mockingly sipping a cup of tea with her pinky finger sticking out. An ugly American abroad sticks her thumb in the eye of the Queen of England. Afterward, Captain Megan Rapinoe screamed out some sort of victory tirade punctuated by F-bombs throughout. The message: “So as we grow the game in America let’s make sure all the little boys and girls learn to be just as pompous and gross as we are!”

Arrogant, crude and cruel–who do these women think they are? The US Olympic men’s swim squad?

Recently the US House of Representatives voted 240 to 187 to publicly condemn President Donald Trump’s latest racist screed to send four elected representatives, all women of colour, back to their “broken and crime-infested countries.” All are Americans so…yeah, they’re pretty much already there. Given his endless list of crimes and scandals, the president is also guilty of

really bad geography. Sports? Oh yeah, the 2022 Professional Golf Association Championship will be held at Trump’s Bedminster Golf Club in New Jersey. In light of the president’s self-created crisis of racism in America, some are calling for the tournament to be moved elsewhere. Still denying he’s a racist, the president claims this is a really stupid idea especially since he’s already paid for the “White’s Only” signs for the washrooms.

The City of Toronto has a noise problem so they sent a delegation down to New York City to see how that metropolis dealt with it’s daily dilemma with din. Sinatra was right.  Apparently, over the years New York actually did become “The City That Never Sleeps.” Why didn’t Toronto just send a delegation down to Exhibition Place and cancel the Honda Indy which you can hear as far away as Niagara-On-The-Lake for three ear-splitting days?!? Save the gas, spare the pollution and make Toronto so quiet even people in the suburbs could hear that day’s downtown shooting. The Indy– identical cars operated by nearly identical drivers going round’n round in a circle until some guy who can’t stand the boredom anymore runs out onto the track with a checkered flag and puts an end to it all.

That brings us to cricket which is not really a sport but an extremely silly game of Scrabble played on a soccer pitch. On what planet would a score of six runs be called a Dorothey Dix and an erratic swing at the ball is called a Perhapser. A &#%K@*! Perhapser!?! Like a freaking “If By Chancer!” Any game in which a bowler can toss a dribbly-dobby with a spinning googly to a poor-hitting rabbit hoping that his sweeper can pull off a lolly between the fly slip and cow corner- should be banned in public places everywhere. I tell you it’s enough to break one’s duck. And yes I’m aware of the Global T20 Canadian Cricket League but frankly, I don’t give a slog sweep!

And the last word on “Goodbye Kawhi.” Had sound reasoning and wisdom been involved in his decision to stay or leave Toronto, Kawhi Leonard would have been a Raptor for the next five years. I mean you really have to worry about the reasoning power of a guy who forgoes the adoration of an entire nation so he can live closer to wildfires, mudslides, and earthquakes.

Why do we watch sports in this day and age? Because it’s slightly less depressing than the news.

And for comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy go to www.williamthomas.ca