Sure-fire signs your nun has a gambling problem

Our latest column from William Thomas

True or false? President Donald Trump shut down the United States government after claiming on camera that he would take full responsibility for shutting down the government and is now blaming the Democrats for shutting down the government. A man in Florida called 911 claiming he had a bad reaction to crystal meth and demanded the police arrest his drug dealer. Two nuns in California stole $500,000 from their Catholic school to cover their gambling losses in Las Vegas.

All true of course but that last one about the Twisted Sisters of the Immaculate Church of Caesar’s Palace — that’s the feel-good story of the year so far.

Sisters Mary Margaret Kreuper, principal of the St. James Catholic School in Torrence, California and her favourite teacher, Sister Lana Chang are the prime suspects in an international investigation of embezzlement and facing serious jail time and fines.

While parents were being pressured to donate more and more for school upgrades, the two nuns lived in a gated community townhouse and drove expensive cars. They openly talked about their trips to Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe claiming their extravagant lifestyles were sponsored by Chang’s weally Chinese relatives. (Chinese proverb: “At the gambling table, there are no fathers or sons.” Notice the wiggle room ‘sisters’ are given?)

In fact, these two ladies in black robes with bad habits had been diverting funds from the church account to their own personal account for at least 10 years. There may be an additional fifteen years’ worth of embezzlement, which the investigators have not yet found records for. And nobody, not the church nor the nuns dispute the facts in this case of fraud.

Suspiciously, both Kreuper, 77 and Change, 67 retired from St. James School last spring. The first sign that the gaming girls were gone came when the power came back on at the school!

Given the Catholic Church’s massive world-wide scandal of child abuse by priests, this caper seems almost refreshing. Although this may not be the original sin, nuns stealing from St. James to pay off the Bellagio is definitely an original sin. And sadly, as with anything original, copy catting is bound to follow. Here then are sure-fire signs your very own Catholic nun has a gambling problem…

• Explaining her sudden retirement, your nun claims she wants to “spend more time with the family” by which she means the Rizzuto family in Montreal.

• Oddly, a card on Sunday’s collection plate announced that the church was now accepting fifty-dollar poker chips.

• Your catholic school’s “Hot Meal Program” has been replaced by “Power Ball – A Team Effort.”

• During a conversation with her, you notice that instead of saying “I beg your pardon” your nun keeps saying: “Hit me again!”

• Your nun’s new black veil comes with an embroidered ad for Tally-Ho Playing Cards.

• Although she quickly corrects herself, your nun often refers to choir boys as ‘croupiers’!

• She’s been to Las Vegas so many times Southwest Airlines lists your nun on their passenger list as “The First-Class Flying Nun.”

• For the third Sunday in a row you followed a bookie into the confessional booth.

• When customs officials at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas find $100,000 in cash in her carry-on, she screams: “It’s a miracle!” and then pretends to pass out.

• When confronted with the commandment “Thou Shalt not Steal,” your nun suggests you see what the Bible says about “borrowing.”

• Lately she’s been spotted doing shooters at the local pub with a guy who really is a one-armed bandit!

• The PTA meeting notice your child brought home had a ransom note written on the back.

• She claims all those cop cars that keep coming to her house are part of her ‘personal security detail.’

• The “plain-clothes priest” she meets every day after school turns out to be a convicted loan shark.

• Strangely, every field trip she takes the children on ends up at Fort Erie Race Track by post time.

• Yours is the only Carmelite nun who wears a money-belt that matches her headband.

• When you confide in her that you’re about 80/20 in believing in an Almighty God, she advises you to “take the spread.”

• The portrait of Christ on her office wall has been replaced by a blown-up selfie of her and OJ at Hooters on the Strip.

• Out of nowhere your nun claims she’s really ‘The Singing Nun’ and the following week she shows up on TV’s Celebrity Poker.

• A closer look at the crucifix she wears around her neck reveals it to be a VIP Pass for Casino Niagara.

• And finally, your school nun begins her morning address to her students with: “Let us pray for the Patriots on Sunday.”

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca

 


 

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