Sure signs the doc at your door is a quack

Our latest column from William Thomas

“A lot of guys think the bigger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don’t think it works that way. I think the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent the men become.” – Comedienne Anita Wise (And how I wished, Stormy Daniels had said that!)

At the age of 18, Malachi Love- Robinson of Palm Beach wanted to be a doctor. So he put on a white smock and draped a stethoscope around his neck and presto! He was a doctor. Hardly fair in that he did not spend seven years in med school as other doctors have to, but Malachi just figured he was smarter than all the rest. His specialty was amateur gynecology, but he also treated a 86-year-old woman for stomach pain before forging a bunch of her cheques.

Malachi’s last patient was an undercover officer with the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office. As of last January, Malachi Love-Robinson now 20, will switch career paths from false doctor to real inmate for the next three-and-a-half years. He’ll also owe $80,000 in fines when he gets out of prison. In Florida you can ‘stand your ground’ and shoot someone if you feel threatened and avoid going to trial. But practising medicine without a license? That’s a serious offense.

Just ask Philip Winikoff who was arrested years ago for going door-to-door in the Lauderdale Lakes neighbourhood outside Miami, offering free breast examinations to women. Two women in their 30s accepted Winikoff’s offer, but when the examinations strayed off-course, both called the cops. The not-so-good doctor’s scam started to come apart at the “jumping up and down” procedure.

The fake doctor claimed he was making visitations on behalf of a nearby hospital, probably the Peewee Herman Memorial. Philip Winikoff, who was in fact married to a nurse, was arrested just down the street from the women’s apartments and charged with assault by the Broward County Sheriff’s Office. Florida … where people come in three types: old, odd, and severely whacked.

Unfortunately, feeble minds glam on to weird ideas and unfortunately Malachi Love-Robinson and Philip Winikoff will not be the last of the ‘mock docs.’ There will be copycats, because there always are. Here then, are some sure signs that the guy at your door with the little black medical bag is definitely not a doctor:

  • The fat, bald and sweaty man ringing your doorbell introduces himself as Dr. McDreamy.
  • This man at the door claims to be a doctor and he’s making a house call?!?! HULLO! Call the cops right there!
  • You offer this so-called doctor an apple but he will not go away.
  • When the ‘med man’ steps inside and opens his bag, two white doves fly out.
  • When you question his claim that he’s a doctor, he reaches into his bag and pulls out a graduation certificate from The College Of Physicians And Surgeons At Trump University.
  • The man appears to be wearing a white doctor’s smock, but when he turns around you notice it’s tied up tightly in the back with straps.
  • The guy at your door looks like a doctor, but the stethoscope in his pocket turns out to be a pocket fisherman.
  • When you turn down his offer of a free hearing examination, he tries to sell you Amway Oven Cleaner.
  • After a physical examination, instead of sending you to a clinic for blood work he asks you out to dinner.
  • While he’s standing at your door, he gets into a “science versus God” debate with the Jehovah’s Witness who’s next in line.
  • When you mention his timing is perfect because you’ve felt a lump yourself, he screams “Yuk!” and runs off down the street.
  • You ask for ID and he produces a Walmart Super Club Card which guarantees 15% off back-to-school supplies.
  • He takes an x-ray selfie with you which shows a deteriorating cerebrum at the base of his brain.
  • He tests your reflexes by whacking your knee with a crescent wrench.
  • As he steps into your house, the dog nips his heel and he yells: “Quick! Call a doctor!”
  • While preparing to test you for high cholesterol, he scrubs up in the fish bowl.
  • You know something’s fishy when you notice the button he’s wearing is in support of “Doctors Without Borders Or Even Degrees!”
  • When you ask to call his supervisor, he refers you to the website of Nurse Nancy.
  • He’s wearing an OR gown and motorized running shoes that get up to 50 kilometres per hour on carpeting.
  • When you mention the word ‘mammogram,’ he drops to one knee and does an Al Jolson impersonation.
  • When you ask him his name, he says he can’t tell you because it would contravene patient/doctor privacy laws.

And finally, you know the man at the door with the medical bag is not a real doctor because although the ID badge on his jacket says “Ob/Gyn,” he’s not wearing pants.

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