Trump – Predictions for 2018

Our latest column from William Thomas

Predicting the future of President Donald Trump should not be too difficult because he follows certain behaviour patterns that are constant and reliable. Like his sexual abuse of women, his bromance with Vlad “The Blackmailer “ Putin, his demeaning people of colour, his disrespect for democracy, his political support for child molesters, his jealousy of anything with Obama’s name on it, his need to turn anything natural and green into a money-maker the colour of coal and his staggering ignorance of anything more complicated than a hula hoop.

But enough about Trump’s good points. With the Democrats sadly relegated to the sidelines, 2018 should be a banner year for Trump and his base of 50 million gun-loving, God-fearing, bumper-sticker philosophers. Here we go …

● By the end of 2018, Donald Trump will receive the Ignoble Prize for advancing national stupidity, overt racism and gun violence more than Sarah Palin, the Ku Klux Klan and the NRA. The award will describe hims as “a one-man march back to the dark ages of tribalism.”

● By the end of his second year in office, President Trump will double his vocabulary by inserting the word “really” in front of “great.” So Melania will be “really great”, Steve Bannon “really, really not-so-great” and Mike Pence “really, really, really great the likes of which we’ve never seen before.”

● In the first month of 2018 Trump will repeat “no collusion with Russia!” over three hundred times, fire Special Counsel Robert Mueller and replace him with former Russian ambassador to the U.S. Sergey Kislyak.

● President Trump will respond to Fire And Fury, a book that makes him look like a lunatic by writing his own book. A Staple Genius shows him smiling confidently in the oval office with his right hand stapled to his desk and bleeding.

● Fearing his puppy love, oath of loyalty to Trump was somehow not enough, Vice President Mike Pence will kiss the president’s ass at a special White House ceremony presided over by Reverend Will Graham.

● President Trump will refer to his former wife Ivana as “a skank and the illegitimate mother of my children” when he finds out she signed up for Obamacare.

● Secretary of State Rex Tillerson will collect on a ten dollar bet he made with Donald Trump that Puerto Rico was indeed part of America.

● When informed that yet another journalist has been killed in Putin’s Russia bringing the total to 35 since the year 2000, Trump will characterize it as “a good start”.

● Continuing to deny any member of his family are out for profit from his presidency, Trump will patrol Pennsylvania Avenue wearing a sign board that promotes: “$599 Couples Weekend At The All-New Trump Camp David Resort & Casino.”

● Denying any collusion with fellow sexual assaulters, Trump will pardon Bill Cosby claiming he did it because ‘black lives matter.’

● Tiffany the largely-ignored other Trump daughter will be bitten by an alligator at Mar-a-Lago where her father promised but then forgot to drain the backyard swamp.

● Donald Trump will, as he always said he could, shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and get away with it after 50 million of his faithful show up in court and swear he didn’t do it.

● In Phase Two of his tax reform bill, Trump will mandate that the biggest corporations and richest individuals in America pay no taxes whatsoever, but each must provide donation jars for the poor and middle class at the front door of their offices.

● President Trump will move the U.S. Embassy in Canada from Ottawa to Toronto,where, with 20-foot high letters it will be called The Trump Diplomacy Tower selling “Make America Great Again” hats and preferred shares in the U.S. Treasury.

● As he approaches the mid-term elections, Donald Trump will make a statement that is actually true, just to prove to Democrats he can!

● Trump will fire Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and replace her with Sean Spicer claiming Spicer “is better at delivering alternative facts with a straight face.”

● In an angry first statement Spicer will claim that “Without a shred of doubt, this president has the biggest manhood of any president ever! Period!”

● After being fired for a second time, Spicer will deny this statement, claiming he used the word “driftwood” as in, this president has the biggest collection of driftwood of any president …”

● Entering the genius/moron debate Melania will say: “A man must be a very great genius to make up for being a loathsome human being.” She will immediately be accused of plagiarism since it was Martha Gellhorn who said that about Ernest Hemingway.

● And finally, as the year 2018 comes to a close and his approval rating is at .19%, President Donald Trump will meet face to face with Kim Jong-un on a remote island of The Philippines to resolve the issues of North Korea’s nuclear weapons and U.S. sanctions. Unable to stand the sight of the two ugliest haircuts on the planet, both country’s secret service agents open fire on the two leaders. There are no survivors. Minutes after his death, President Trump tweets that he killed Kim Jong-un with his bare hands, using a highly explosive racial slur to describe his archival.

My long range prediction: Don Trump will go down in history as the greatest leader in U.S. history provided a majority of Americans choose to stop evolving and instead, regress into ethnic and religious tribalism and survival of the richest. Period.

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca .

 


 

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